Thursday, April 2, 2015

Realizing I had Fallen Into a Hole When Everything Got Dark

Perspective: Being able to look up & the sun, doesn't mean that I'm not actually in a hole.

This isn't your average, sorry I haven't been posting in a while update.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a very dark place. Hubby & I were staring down a very difficult decision about money, living expenses, and the realities of continuing to reside in CA. I couldn't focus on comps; I couldn't focus on much of anything except bringing money into the budget.

From a very young age, I listened to my mom fret about money. I knew that she was putting money into retirement, into emergency funds, into every nook & cranny you can imagine. In the 1980's, my mom was like a squirrel prepping for a Canadian winter.

I feel compelled to take care of my household. I don't always know how to squirrel it away very well; I'm still learning. But I have a deep desire to make money. Being in graduate school and having everyone around me who loves me constantly taking me by the shoulders and pointing my nose towards the books is making my provider-instinct crazy.

A couple of weeks ago, everything hit critical mass. I started a new business as a Jamberry Independent Consultant. I've been throwing parties on Facebook (wonder what that is? send me a message), and selling nail wraps like a crazy person (wanna know more? message me!). In the middle of all that insanity, hubby and I decided that it would be a great idea to completely rearrange our living room.  Mind you, our living room is also our dining area and my study. So, it was like moving around 3 rooms in the space of one small living room. 

Then, the sun went down. And I realized that just because I saw the sun during the day, didn't mean I wasn't buried in work and stress, which in many ways, I piled on all by myself.  Now, I'm in the midst of crawling out of the hole.  Apparently I fell in and didn't realize it until the sun went down, and everything got dark.

Maybe I suck at life? Maybe its just that I chase butterflies, because I'm afraid of the female-in-the-academy-box that will become my fate if I'm not careful? Maybe I'm just tired of being a poor grad student?