Realizing I had Fallen Into a Hole When Everything Got Dark

Perspective: Being able to look up & the sun, doesn't mean that I'm not actually in a hole.

This isn't your average, sorry I haven't been posting in a while update.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a very dark place. Hubby & I were staring down a very difficult decision about money, living expenses, and the realities of continuing to reside in CA. I couldn't focus on comps; I couldn't focus on much of anything except bringing money into the budget.

From a very young age, I listened to my mom fret about money. I knew that she was putting money into retirement, into emergency funds, into every nook & cranny you can imagine. In the 1980's, my mom was like a squirrel prepping for a Canadian winter.

I feel compelled to take care of my household. I don't always know how to squirrel it away very well; I'm still learning. But I have a deep desire to make money. Being in graduate school and having everyone around me who loves me constantly taking me by the shoulders and pointing my nose towards the books is making my provider-instinct crazy.

A couple of weeks ago, everything hit critical mass. I started a new business as a Jamberry Independent Consultant. I've been throwing parties on Facebook (wonder what that is? send me a message), and selling nail wraps like a crazy person (wanna know more? message me!). In the middle of all that insanity, hubby and I decided that it would be a great idea to completely rearrange our living room.  Mind you, our living room is also our dining area and my study. So, it was like moving around 3 rooms in the space of one small living room. 

Then, the sun went down. And I realized that just because I saw the sun during the day, didn't mean I wasn't buried in work and stress, which in many ways, I piled on all by myself.  Now, I'm in the midst of crawling out of the hole.  Apparently I fell in and didn't realize it until the sun went down, and everything got dark.

Maybe I suck at life? Maybe its just that I chase butterflies, because I'm afraid of the female-in-the-academy-box that will become my fate if I'm not careful? Maybe I'm just tired of being a poor grad student?

#SuzanneSaturday ~ Taking a Day to Rest

Sundown to Sundown is how many celebrate a day of rest, the Sabbath.  Whether one rests on one particular day each week, or whichever day one can possibly get some down time for the practice of rest, I think we can all agree that rest is very important.

Rest looks different, feels different, and is practiced differently from person to person, community to community, across the globe.

But we all need rest.

Need some suggestions?  Here are mine:

Take some time to pamper yourself! Try out a face mask, draw a hot bath, listen to some music!

    

Go take a walk!  Enjoy the sun and the scenery where you live!  Get a little exercise and some fresh air.  Take pics as you go so you remember how much fun this was!

      

Sunshine is a great way to fight depression!  Exercise can help relieve anxiety!

Spend time with your family & friends!  Do something together you all enjoy; walk together, play a game, go bowling, play a round of mini-golf, visit a museum, or just cuddle on the couch!

     

Whatever you do today, I hope that you can take some time to rest, or at least put "Rest Time" on your calendar for this week!  We have to take care of ourselves!

Hugs,

Suzanne, the Laughing Scholar

Suzanne Saturday: Afternoon Grumps

I really, really hate mid-afternoon. It is seriously the worst possible time of day no matter what day it is.

Between 2-4pm its as though the productivity of the entire day is ultimately determined. If I have not accomplished anything meaningful by about 3pm, why bother? Its around this time of day that my anxiety spikes, all my doctoral-student-induced fears come out to play, and I seriously debate going back to bed and trying again tomorrow.

I swear my body knows that the big hand is nearing 2pm every day, because I can feel all the reasons to care slowly slipping away.  I try very hard to hard on to the cares, but my reality is kind of like this:

Yes, this is an actual, honest-to-God cross-stitch that an amazing friend made for me for Christmas this year.  One day it will hang very discretely on the back of my office door . . . even if that office is at home! :-) Doesn't it sound like it belongs in Ecclesiastes or Proverbs?

So, what's a sad, pathetic, apathetic graduate student to do in this horrid nexus of the mid-afternoon?

COFFEE!

(of course)

If Marx said to let the masses have opiates and alcohol, because their lives are so miserable anyway (that was Marx, right? Or was that the author of Ecclesiastes?) Well, either way, some very jaded individual said that.

Well, I say to let the graduate students have their fill of coffee! For surely when we run low on motivation and f*cks, what else will help alleviate our symptoms of apathy and pathetic whining?

Cheers to all of you on this beautiful, sunny, perfectly annoying Saturday afternoon!

What I'm Thankful for This Week

This week I've become keenly aware of the amazing people in my life, and I wanted to publicly say how awesome they are.

My Hubby.  Seriously, this month we'll have been in each other's lives for 10 years.  He grounds me.  He is one of my biggest cheerleaders.  He's also one of my toughest critics (in a really good way).  He is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met.  I mean, he moved all the way to CA with me so that I could pursue this Ph.D.  He's supported me in every imaginable way during this process.  I am so lucky, blessed, fortunate to have him as my partner in life.

 My Dog.  The Barley Dog is probably the saving grace of the past 7 years of my life.  He helped pull Hubby through major mental health issues early in our marriage.  He cuddled me through all the ups and downs.  He knows when I'm stressed, angry, sad, tired, and somehow he knows how to remind me to take care of myself.  He nurses us when we're sick.  He keeps track of all our friends and family - his "fan club," and he loves them all.

          

My crazy friends.  These are my gaming buddies.  Two of them are family (one of the two the passionate lip syncer on the right).We knew them in Chicago, and they have basically adopted Barley-Dog as their nephew.  One of them, the flailing magnificat there on the left, is my sanity-PhD buddy.  We came into the same program, just the two of us, and we've managed to survive this long.  Then there's the other two wonderful guys who keep us all on our toes with their personalities and stories.

    

This week we invited significant others to join us for food and gaming.  I was thrilled that Hubby came, enjoyed himself, and was wonderfully social!  I was totally blown away by our host's willingness to do an onion-free menu in celebration of his presence.  (Hubby has such an aversion to them, they might as well be an allergy.)  I had a blast spending time with the S.O. of one my gaming friends, too.  All in all, it was the perfect night of friends, food, and fun!

So, this week, I'm thankful for these people in my life, particularly these crazy people hanging out with me in the East Bay of CA!

Who are you thankful for this week?  Why?

The Joys of Seeing my BFF of 28 Years!

Okay, lovely readers, I have to tell you about my Thursday.  I got to see my dear friend of 28 years in San Francisco!  We ate fantastic food, talked forever, and finally had a proper family meal that included our husbands!  (It was the first time these wonderful men finally met each other and spent time with the infamous pair of Suzanne & Kristi!)

My BFF of 28 years is also pregnant!  I got to see her beautiful baby bump, listen to her marvelous complaints and fears about being pregnant and impending motherhood.  We walked around the city, hung out in her hotel room with killer views, and generally appreciated having time together.

It was also incredibly special to me to be in San Francisco with her.  Growing up, every summer Kristi would sojourn to The Bay to see her daddy.  So, for about a month every summer, I would miss my best friend.  Getting to spend a day out here with her was truly spectacular!

See, Kristi and I met when I was 5 and she was 7.  My life has never been the same since.  She became my partner in crime, and the only one I knew who understand what it was having divorced parents in our small southern hometown.  Her mother was my 2nd mama, and taught me about playing outside barefoot, trying new food, and exploring the excitement of childhood.  I spent enough weekends at her grandmother's house in FL that the sunlight and the plants in her kitchen are an image forever burned into my dearest memories. 

St. Augustine, Mother-Daughter Beach Trip 1991

Kristi has been an amazing big sister, perfect best friend, and life long companion on the road of life.  My journey has been all the better for having her as a part of it.

     

Halloweens 1989 and 1992

Whether we were dancers & gypsies, Laurel & Hardy, or Michelle & Rachael (the girlfriends of Mikey & Ralph of the TMNT), we were inseparable when we were together.  Our imaginations ran wild, we shared our happiest moments, our deepest fears, and vented about life, in general.

New Years Celebration 2000 when the world didn't end

As we grew up, the two years between us turned our friendship into a slinky type yo-yo.  We went through so many of the same phases; some aligned and others did not.  But we have always had a deep connection: the kind that years only make stronger and more dear.

Kristi's Mom surprised Kristi by bringing me to her college graduation, 2003

I have always been impressed with this woman's ability to grow personally.  She has always maintained her own moral compass while allowing it to be informed by her life experiences.  She has walked through life seeking to love, nurture, and support those around her.  She has learned to care for herself, and love herself.  I am ridiculously lucky to call her friend.  And her daughter will be so blessed to get to call her mommy!

 Kristi and I at my wedding reception in 2008

There's something magical about being in a space with someone who knows you so intimately.  Kristi knows what it was to grow up in Valdosta, go to the schools I attended, march in the marching band I marched in, attend the church I grew up in, and be someone who never quite fit.  And I know the same for her.

 Kristi and I at her wedding in 2011 (I just now realized that our bridesmaids dresses were basically the same shade of blue . . . )

It is amazing to me how much I have changed and grown, and yet, how much I have stayed the same all these years.  Its as if the 5 year-old version of me and the 32 year-old version of me are exactly the same, and all those years in between were about wandering away and coming back to myself.  

The two of us, San Francisco CA 2015!

But one thing I know will always stay the same is my precious relationship with this truly impressive woman, and I am all the more happy about my future knowing this little fact.

Christmas Socks. Worried Grandpa. Cold Feet.

I love silly wonderful Christmas Socks.

They remind me I have so much to be grateful for in life.  I am loved.  I have a home.  I have food in the pantry and in the fridge.  And, my feet are warm.

My feet are toasty warm in my cozy socks.

This might seem a bit random, but really, this moment of gratitude reaches back into one of my most precious childhood memories, spreads through middle school, and stretches all the way into this moment in time.

*     *     *     *

As a little girl, I absolutely adored my Grandpa.  He was one of those old men who had been rough around the edges as a father (or so I'm told) and whose heart started melting when his first granddaughter came along (me!).

From Left to Right: Grandpa (W.O. Caster), my cousin (Katie Caster), and me (Suzanne).  We are making my Grandpa's infamous ginger snaps after a morning swim in the pool. (Statesboro, GA)

I loved this man so much.  When my Dad and I would visit on the weekends, I would try to make sure that I woke up as early in the morning as I possibly could.  Because, if I got up early enough, I would catch my Grandpa in the swimming pool.  He only swam in the mornings, and I loved spending time with him while he swam his laps.  I would slip my swimsuit, which was usually damp & cold from the day before, onto my sleepy little body, and run out to spend time in the cool morning water with my Grandpa.

Later in the day, I would scamper through my grandparents' tile-floor house barefoot every season of the year.  And, invariably, mid-skip, right in front of my grandpa, I would sneeze.

AAACCCHOOO! (because I sneeze like my Daddy)

And he would say, with a slight grump in his voice, "Go put on some socks!"  I, being the precociously happy child I was then, would giggle and say, "Grandpa, it was just a tickle in my nose!"  I would then continue my skip, skittering off on whatever mission I was on in that particular moment without a second thought.  My dad would tell me that Grandpa would just blink a little, and go back to whatever he was working on, not quite sure what to do with me.

*     *     *     *

Now, when Hubby and I moved to Chicago in 2008, I knew that winter would be cold.  But I really had no idea.  My Dad tried to warn me; he spent his childhood in Minneapolis. . . . 

I. Had. No. Idea.

SO. COLD.

We scored a beautiful two bedroom apartment with hardwood floors.  What we didn't know until winter set in was that our apartment had basically no insulation.

           

My desk sat in front of a window.  I loved my window.  For the three years we lived there, I watched the tree outside growing and changing with the seasons.  I saw the snow flurries in winter and listened to the birds sing in the spring.

But I also FROZE in that freaking icebox.  The baseboard heater didn't work.  The hardwood floors felt like ice.  And, to top it all off, my adorable window leaked in cold air like a sad bicycle tire.

And then, the sneezing started.  This wasn't any sneezing I had experienced before.  This was not some "tickle in nose" silly sneeze from south Georgia.  This was uncontrollable, multi-sneeze attacks that just rocked my entire body.

In the midst of one of these horrid sneezing fits, my grandpa's voice rang in my ears.  "GO PUT ON SOME SOCKS!"  I was certain that the wonderful man I had lost many years before made sure that his granddaughter would be prepared for this moment.  All those "grumpy" moments of fussing at me and my giggling at him paid off.

I ran to the other room, pulled out the fluffiest pair of socks I owned and put them on.

RELIEF!

The sneezing stopped.  My body suddenly felt warmer.  This was my first step to learning how to survive Chicago winters.

*     *     *     *

Bragging Rights: I have one of the most amazing stepmothers in the entire world.  She's so wonderful I call her, "My Wanda."  I really hate the word "stepmom," and I only use it so that the rest of world will understand how she is related to the rest of my life.

My Dad and My Wanda dancing at my wedding.  Aren't they adorably happy?

My Wanda believes in the power of family traditions, new and old.  And let me tell you, My Wanda loves Christmas.

I spent years tirelessly decorating for Christmas with this crazy woman and my sweet daddy.  We'd decorate more Christmas trees than any one house has any right to have.  Daddy would spend a week prepping the most amazing Christmas Eve dinner your tastebuds can imagine.  And then, with a twinkle in her, My Wanda would gather us all around the tree to open our one Christmas Eve present: Pajamas!  

We would promptly scamper off to change into our PJs and then eat our fabulous Christmas Eve feast in our new pajamas!

Well, this is not My Wanda's only fantastically silly family tradition.  She also puts the silliest, fluffiest socks in everyone's Christmas Stocking!

So, that infamous day in Chicago when I skittered off to put on socks, the pair I grabbed were from my Christmas stocking the year before.  My Wanda ensuring that my tootsies would be warm when I finally listened to my Grandpa and put on some socks . . . because I sneezed.

*     *     *     *

So happy to be sharing this story on A Fresh Start Blog! For other great posts by fabulous bloggers, follow the link below!

Today's Rant: Anxiety Sucks

Anxiety Sucks.

Apparently, that's one of those things that we all deal with.  And I am made to understand that it is a particularly prevalent condition among graduate students.

(There's something very wrong. I just know that something awful is going to happen!)

And I really hate the anxiety dance.

It starts with feeling utterly overwhelmed.

So, I hide, because it somehow makes sense.  Anxiety can follow me anywhere, but if you can't find me, you can't make me do anything while I'm busy not losing my mind!

Then the anxiety starts to subside just enough for me to realize everything I've been avoiding.

That's when the second wave hits.

(I'll just stay here.  Anything else is just too much.  I'm sure things will be better if I stay here.)

This is the paralyzing wave.  I feel frozen; unable to actually start dealing with anything I've avoided, because starting to do anything draws attention to what I haven't been doing.

That's when I hit an impasse.

(Everything is perfect when I'm in bed. I'm going to just stay here.)

The problem with anxiety is that it doesn't always matter that I know its irrational.  It often doesn't matter that I know that it is unbalanced thinking.  I even know that the choices that seem easiest when I am most anxious are oftentimes the exact opposite of what I should be doing to alleviate and reduce my anxiety!  But I can't just think my way out of anxiety every time it strikes.

Anxiety and depression are bosom-buddies.  They love their quality time together; they sit in a pathetic pile of pajamas, surrounded by books that go unread, and clothes that go unwashed.  They obsessively list all the ways the apartment is going to hell, the ever-growing list of tasks that need to be done will eventually destroy the world, and then they repeat all of the most manipulative guilt-inducing speeches they've ever heard.  When they grow weary of talking they turn on Project Runway and ponder society's obsession with cheekbones and thigh gaps.

My worst problem with this dynamic duo is figuring out how to move past my impasses and kick these nasty sisters out of my home.

This is especially important with my doctoral program.  These nasty twins of anxiety and depression often tell me stories about how my advisor is against me, mad at me, etc.  

For example, over two months ago, my advisor saw me at a meeting and told me to check in with her.

But, of course, I didn't.

Because reasons.

So, when I got an email from her, checking in with me, last week, I felt some serious anxiety.

Because, well, according to those mean girls, its like this:

(except that instead of summer it was winter, and the weather was mostly rainy instead of sunny.)

But, yes, there's even a tall clock tower.

And supposedly no interruptions, 

or distractions, 

because I have no classes right now.

But, really, I had nothing to show for the time I've had to do all this writing.

Nothing.

"Shame on You" say the nasty sisters in my head

But thankfully, they don't get the last word.

(What if we just cuddle up together?  It feels better to be not alone, doesn't it?)

I talked with a few of my close peoples about my fears, the email from my advisor, etc.  I found a way to respond to my advisor's email a few days later.

Sometimes I just need the right person to help me with a reality check, because reality is usually so much better than the world in my head.

I am really thankful for those who are close to me who understand this irrational headspace in which I find myself trapped.  I appreciate their ability to draw different pictures, tell different stories than the fear-riddled depictions I come up with in the midst of anxiety.

I showed up for the meeting my advisor scheduled with me.  I got the best pep talk and reality check of my academic year.  

Daily life is filled with ebbs and flows, the tides come in and go back out, the waves continually run up on the shore.  A large part of the sand is composed of shells slowly broken down by the movement of the ocean's waters.  

I know that life wears on me.  I know that last week, the tide feels like its high, and the shore feels much more like the rocky N. CA. Pacific coastline than the easy going Atlantic coast of SC and GA.  I am thankful that, for now, I feel like the tide has gone back out.

A Wonderful Christmas & A Happy New Year!

I had a truly wonderful Christmas season!  

    

Fantastic Christmas Party with great friends!

           

Plane flights to the east coast and back!

          

 

Spent a wonderful Christmas with my mother-in-law and sweet hubby on the Isle of Palms in SC!  

We took a little beach side excursion on Christmas Eve!  

After finally recovering from jet lag, I discovered that a hot cup of coffee in the warm sun on the back porch was magical!  I watched turtles and birds hang out in the pond behind the condo. :-)

We ate so much good food, rested, and had a fantastic visit!

           

Sweet hubby and I had a lovely walk on the beach!  I've really missed the Atlantic Ocean!

Celebrated in the end of 2014 and the start of the New Year with fantastic BBQ dinner with friends!  

Rang in the new year with some sparkling wine in our champagne glasses from our wedding!

Then we celebrated New Year's Day in classic Southern style with a tasty ham, black-eyed peas, and corn bread! (sorry y'all, there aren't any pics because the food was just too good!)

I hope that all of my lovely readers in the blog-o-sphere had a fantastic holiday season and a very Happy New Year!