Realizing I had Fallen Into a Hole When Everything Got Dark

Perspective: Being able to look up & the sun, doesn't mean that I'm not actually in a hole.

This isn't your average, sorry I haven't been posting in a while update.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a very dark place. Hubby & I were staring down a very difficult decision about money, living expenses, and the realities of continuing to reside in CA. I couldn't focus on comps; I couldn't focus on much of anything except bringing money into the budget.

From a very young age, I listened to my mom fret about money. I knew that she was putting money into retirement, into emergency funds, into every nook & cranny you can imagine. In the 1980's, my mom was like a squirrel prepping for a Canadian winter.

I feel compelled to take care of my household. I don't always know how to squirrel it away very well; I'm still learning. But I have a deep desire to make money. Being in graduate school and having everyone around me who loves me constantly taking me by the shoulders and pointing my nose towards the books is making my provider-instinct crazy.

A couple of weeks ago, everything hit critical mass. I started a new business as a Jamberry Independent Consultant. I've been throwing parties on Facebook (wonder what that is? send me a message), and selling nail wraps like a crazy person (wanna know more? message me!). In the middle of all that insanity, hubby and I decided that it would be a great idea to completely rearrange our living room.  Mind you, our living room is also our dining area and my study. So, it was like moving around 3 rooms in the space of one small living room. 

Then, the sun went down. And I realized that just because I saw the sun during the day, didn't mean I wasn't buried in work and stress, which in many ways, I piled on all by myself.  Now, I'm in the midst of crawling out of the hole.  Apparently I fell in and didn't realize it until the sun went down, and everything got dark.

Maybe I suck at life? Maybe its just that I chase butterflies, because I'm afraid of the female-in-the-academy-box that will become my fate if I'm not careful? Maybe I'm just tired of being a poor grad student?

#TodaysReasonToSmile

Today's reason to smile comes at the very end of my day.  

Hubby knows my anxiety has been high lately with new job, comps, and other changes.  The past week he's been doing a great job of checking in about my anxiety level, what I can do to help reduce it, and what he can do to make it easier for me to accomplish those things.  

Because my depression usually raises its ugly head as a result of my anxiety spiraling out of control, I really appreciate him helping me to be aware of how high or low it is at the beginning and end of the day.  

Tonight while we were out walking the dog, he checked in with me as usual.  He supported my decision to get ready for sleep when we got upstairs and even offered to make me decaffeinated tea to help me settle down for the night.  

Its really nice feeling sleepy before 2AM! 

So, today's reason to smile is having a supportive partner who will make me tea!

Suzanne Saturday: Afternoon Grumps

I really, really hate mid-afternoon. It is seriously the worst possible time of day no matter what day it is.

Between 2-4pm its as though the productivity of the entire day is ultimately determined. If I have not accomplished anything meaningful by about 3pm, why bother? Its around this time of day that my anxiety spikes, all my doctoral-student-induced fears come out to play, and I seriously debate going back to bed and trying again tomorrow.

I swear my body knows that the big hand is nearing 2pm every day, because I can feel all the reasons to care slowly slipping away.  I try very hard to hard on to the cares, but my reality is kind of like this:

Yes, this is an actual, honest-to-God cross-stitch that an amazing friend made for me for Christmas this year.  One day it will hang very discretely on the back of my office door . . . even if that office is at home! :-) Doesn't it sound like it belongs in Ecclesiastes or Proverbs?

So, what's a sad, pathetic, apathetic graduate student to do in this horrid nexus of the mid-afternoon?

COFFEE!

(of course)

If Marx said to let the masses have opiates and alcohol, because their lives are so miserable anyway (that was Marx, right? Or was that the author of Ecclesiastes?) Well, either way, some very jaded individual said that.

Well, I say to let the graduate students have their fill of coffee! For surely when we run low on motivation and f*cks, what else will help alleviate our symptoms of apathy and pathetic whining?

Cheers to all of you on this beautiful, sunny, perfectly annoying Saturday afternoon!

A Coffee Lovers Happy Place! Friends & Espresso Cups from François et Mimi!

 It is true that I am a coffee addict as a result of my years in graduate school.  However, I was definitely set up for the weakness by my wonderful Wanda & Daddy.  I grew up with the morning grind of the coffee, the whir of the espresso machine, and a house constantly filled with the wafting scents of dark, earthy coffee.

So, when I am pretty thrilled about this opportunity to share the amazingness that is François et Mimi's Espresso Set with you!  I packed up my espresso cups and toted them over to my friends' apartment for gaming night where I tested out these darling espresso cups on all the boys!

Product Description:

- Set includes four espresso cups and four matching saucers

- Made of high quality porcelain that is high-fired

- Lead free

- Each cup holds 3-4 fl oz

What We Love about François et Mimi's Espresso Set:

- Extremely attractive!  This set has really lovely lines!

- The cups & handles are well balanced; they are comfortable to hold!

- The cups sit perfectly on the saucers, and the saucers are also well balanced, which creates a delightful experience!

- They are dishwasher safe!

Unfortunately, this item is not currently available on Amazon, but when it is, you will be able to find it here!

Verdict: YAY!!

Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Tomoson.com and made possible by François et Mimi.  Products were provided in exchange for my time in assessing their quality and writing an honest review about them. All product information is gleaned from the manufacturer's product description.  All opinions are my own based on my experiences with the product.  All photos are my own. 

Todays Reason to Smile: Articles about Loving Your Body!

Within the past week, I came across two different articles that really spoke to my heart, and I want to share them with you!

Being Thin Didn't Make Me Happy, But Being "Fat" Does

Contributed by Joni Edelman I 02.18.15 1:37am

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love My 185-Pound Body

by Nikki Gloudeman | 02.17.15 2:14am

I am thankful that there are more women writing about loving themselves, and their bodies, in ways that are not connected to the number of calories, the number on our jeans, the number on our bras.  I appreciate the central message of both of these articles: happiness is not inherently linked to a smaller waist size.

Now, until recently I've always been thin.  Of course I have had my issues with body images, they are not the same as the women in the stories above.  In college, I was the designated "skinny friend" who always sat in the b*tch seat (you know, the middle seat of the back!)  I have usually listened to my body about its wants and needs.  Although I have struggled with emotional eating in the past few months, I am cognizant of my habits.  I have a skinny-girl attitude loving my more curvy body.  

That said, I find compelling stories of women who are learning to accept themselves.  For me, part of self-acceptance is loving our bodies.  That doesn't mean we don't want them to be healthier; it means we love them where they are right now.  Why can't we love our bodies into health rather than shaming them into health?

*     *     *     *     *

I recently went to a hosted meal at a restaurant for a team meeting of a start-up organization for which I have been asked to serve as a consultant.  

The host is an extremely health conscious gentleman.  Sitting next to him, with his veggie burger and water, I struggled to feel comfortable ordering the coconut shrimp with sweet & spicy sauce that I had been craving for days.  I noticed that I even had to make the excuse for ordering this amazing fried, sweet, deliciousness: "I just love food too much."  

I was not alone; a woman across the table commented on the fact that the restaurant serves wonderful milkshakes.  She then decided that she "really shouldn't" order one.  Another woman and I both asked, "Why not?"  Of course, we already knew the answer: a milkshake does not equal thin.

*     *     *     *     *

I think that part of the reason I resonate with body-affirming, curve-loving stories from women is that they fight against the never-ending barrage of body shaming images, words, expectations, attitudes, and other social cues that we all face on a weekly, daily, hourly basis.

For the first time since I was 23, I am happy with my body.  I am happy with my wardrobe.  I am enjoying these new-found curves!  Yes, I realize that I need to take care of my body.  But I also need to take care of the rest of me - I am more than numbers.  

I wish that our conversations about weight, size, and health could be more about what we want and less about what we should.  As long as we allow ourselves to use the "I shouldn't" motto, we don't really allow ourselves the opportunity to consider what we truly desire.

If I really desire those crunchy sweet bites of delectable shrimp, then by golly, I'm going to order them!  But, maybe, what I truly desire is just something sweet!  Something sweet doesn't have to be fried.  It could be fruit!  If I'm so caught up with telling myself I shouldn't order the coconut shrimp, its harder to stop and ask myself, why do I want that?  Asking myself the question, allows a wider exploration of my own desires.

Now, I'm not talking about attending a therapy session to decide what you want to eat at a restaurant.  All of this can happen internally in a matter of moments.  Its just about taking the time and being self-aware!

I wonder what would happen for our health and our ability to love ourselves if it started with listening to what we actually desire?

*     *     *     *     *

So, today's reason to smile: We are all beautiful, and we all can be happy with ourselves.  It doesn't have to be in the same way!

Beauty Tag!

This is a beauty tag where I answer 20 beauty questions relating to my makeup/skincare routine. I love reading these types of posts because it’s a great way to get to know person behind the blog. These questions are from Carol of Intrice Blog.  I love her style, writing, and eye for beauty!

I think women should wear whatever makeup they want for themselves. Makeup should be fun. 

- Emma Stone

Do you remember your first makeup item?
I think the first makeup item I owned was Candy Kisses in Watermelon!  I felt like hot stuff in middle school!

Describe your perfect mascara. Have you found one 
that fits your specifications?
I want a formula that never clumps, never flakes, and applies easily to every lash!  I want additional volume, NOT length! I want a brush that holds the perfect amount of product, can handle my long lashes, and helps plump out their volume.  I'm getting there.  Since I started blogging, I've gotten really picky! LOL!

What kind of coverage do you prefer from foundation?
I need something that offers medium coverage, but feels light and looks super natural!  I have rosy cheeks from my mom, and I need something that helps to cover them without washing me out completely.

Favorite high end brand?
I really like BareMinerals.  I've been using their mineral veil, bronzer, and blushes for almost a year; I'm a total convert.  I keep adding to my collection!  I would love to add Dr. Jart+ BB Cream to my repertoire eventually!

What cosmetic brands have you always wanted to try but still haven’t? 
Mally Beauty, Urban Decay, Too Faced

Favorite drugstore brand?
I'm a fan of Maybelline's new mascaras.  I just tried this amazing foundation from CoverGirl so I'll add that one!  

Do you wear fake eyelashes? 
Nope!  I would really only need them for volume, not length.

Is there any kind of makeup you can't leave the house without?
I prefer a fully done face, but minimally, dark brown mascara and lip balm!

What is your most cherished beauty product?
Right now, its my new Shea Butter Cleansing Oil from L'Occitane.  Hubby splurged on me!  I've been testing so many different skin care products the last few months that I needed something to help restore my skin!  (Besides, I scored a free gift! LOL! Free gifts will eventually be my downfall!)

How often do you shop for makeup?
I'm always on the prowl.  Looking isn't so bad.  Its the buying too often that is!

Do you have a “beauty budget” or you spend freely?
I need to budget myself.  Right now, its called the hubby-rule! Whatever hubby says "yes" or "no" to sets my budget!

What type of product do you buy the most of?
Anything to do with my eyes!  I'm a sucker for a good eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, anything!  I love playing with my eyes!

Do you avoid certain ingredients in cosmetics like parabens or sulfates? 
Eh, not really.  I realize that there are all kinds of perspectives on this, so I try to emphasize paraben and sulfate free for my readers.  But for me, sometimes sulfates in shampoo make all the difference for whether or not my hair actually gets clean.

Do you have a favorite place to shop for makeup?
I'm a huge fan of Birchbox for some things since I can earn/ use points.  I also love Sephora, Ulta, Target, and boutiques like L'Oocitane and Bare Minerals.  I'll shop online if I can get free shipping; I hate paying for shipping!

Do you like trying new skincare products or do you keep a certain routine?
I have a general routine: cleanser, toner (occasionally), 1-2 serums, moisturizer.  I'll switch out what I use based on what I'm reviewing, what my skin is doing, and how I'm feeling.

Favorite bath and body brand? 
I have an obsession with Burt's Bees, which is reasonable.  I recently starting flirting with L'Occitane, but since that could potentially turn into a bad habit, I'm practicing serious restraint!

Do you like multifunctional products like lip and cheek stains?
No.  They scare me!  LOL!  I shy away from them because I just recently started needing cheek color (rosy cheeks and all), so I'm still learning.  Its like learning to wear makeup all over again!

Are you clumsy in putting makeup?
Yes, but it hits me like a "clumsy attack."  I don't know that its coming until that cat eye that I thought I had nailed goes all wonky without warning!

Do you ever consider taking makeup classes?
I've just recently starting researching makeup application techniques.  I feel so behind!! But really, videos are awesome, but I would totally love to take some classes!

What do you love about makeup?
I feel like it helps me express myself; it can help me accentuate my eyes to play up feelings of happiness, seductiveness, or mellowness.  Its one of the ways that I show myself love. After I spend time pampering every inch of my face, how could I hate it? :-)
Makeup is also fun!  Its an artistic outlet.  Its a medium I can use to connect with hundreds of other people through social media.  Its a way to explore colors, contours, and techniques.  

Do you feel the same way about makeup? What do you love the most about it?

Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

My Foray into Fashion Part #3: A Little Striped Dress & Makeup Of The Day!

I love this dress!  I scored it from the GAP on clearance, and with my $10 off from Birchbox's December Box, it was only $8.00!!  Its a fantastic stretchy dress with pockets and 3/4 sleeves! I feel really cute in this dress.  It stops just above my knees, is totally comfortable, and quite versatile!  And for once, I'm happy to be in clothing that hugs my curves a little bit! I'm totally in love!

I paired this dress with a stunning statement necklace I got in my Rocksbox for January.

I had the best time doing my makeup for this outfit!  

I tried out extremely subtle contouring with the larger brushes from the Bellange Brush Set I've been using in preparation for an upcoming review!  I used Bareminerals Bronzer, Blush and Finishing Powder. (My new homework assignment is to get serious with the contouring practice!)

I decided to draw on the bright red in my dress so I played up my lips with L'Oreal Colour Riche Lippy in #304 Ruby Opera.

I complimented my bright lip with a nude shadow on my eyelid and a very black cat eye.  I used Benefit's They're Real Liner and Mascara to achieve the effect.

Thanks for accompanying me on this journey of self-acceptance, fashion and beauty!  I hope that something I shared here has inspired you to try something new, too!

     

What I'm Thankful for This Week

This week I've become keenly aware of the amazing people in my life, and I wanted to publicly say how awesome they are.

My Hubby.  Seriously, this month we'll have been in each other's lives for 10 years.  He grounds me.  He is one of my biggest cheerleaders.  He's also one of my toughest critics (in a really good way).  He is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met.  I mean, he moved all the way to CA with me so that I could pursue this Ph.D.  He's supported me in every imaginable way during this process.  I am so lucky, blessed, fortunate to have him as my partner in life.

 My Dog.  The Barley Dog is probably the saving grace of the past 7 years of my life.  He helped pull Hubby through major mental health issues early in our marriage.  He cuddled me through all the ups and downs.  He knows when I'm stressed, angry, sad, tired, and somehow he knows how to remind me to take care of myself.  He nurses us when we're sick.  He keeps track of all our friends and family - his "fan club," and he loves them all.

          

My crazy friends.  These are my gaming buddies.  Two of them are family (one of the two the passionate lip syncer on the right).We knew them in Chicago, and they have basically adopted Barley-Dog as their nephew.  One of them, the flailing magnificat there on the left, is my sanity-PhD buddy.  We came into the same program, just the two of us, and we've managed to survive this long.  Then there's the other two wonderful guys who keep us all on our toes with their personalities and stories.

    

This week we invited significant others to join us for food and gaming.  I was thrilled that Hubby came, enjoyed himself, and was wonderfully social!  I was totally blown away by our host's willingness to do an onion-free menu in celebration of his presence.  (Hubby has such an aversion to them, they might as well be an allergy.)  I had a blast spending time with the S.O. of one my gaming friends, too.  All in all, it was the perfect night of friends, food, and fun!

So, this week, I'm thankful for these people in my life, particularly these crazy people hanging out with me in the East Bay of CA!

Who are you thankful for this week?  Why?

Confession: I might be obsessed with Hyaluronic Acid Serums

   My current collection of Hyaluronic Acid Serums . . . 

   

I have a confession.  I am a little obsessed with Hyaluronic Acid Serums.  Since I started beauty blogging and reviewing products, I've tested seven different bottles of Hyaluronic Acid Serums from seven different companies.

Here's what I love about Hyaluronic Acid Serums:

1. They don't smell bad.  I have yet to come across one that smells bad, weird, odd, or in any way unpleasant.

2. They are lightweight moisturizers that layer very well under facial creams/ lotions or makeup.

3. While hyaluronic acid is most often used to reduce the appearance of wrinkles, I've noticed that using it also brightens my complexion and makes my skin feel smoother.

4. Hyaluronic Acid is a substance that occurs naturally in our bodies; it is found in young skin and joints.  While application cannot replace what we lose over time, I have certainly seen benefits when used as part of a skincare routine.

5.  Finally, it just feels good on my skin!

So, I'm out scoping out the territory to find the one(s) I like best.  Of the ones pictured above, my favorites are definitely Body Merry's Hyaluronic Dew Serum and Adeline's Hyaluronic Acid Serum!

Versatile Blog Award!

I am thrilled that a blogger I deeply respect and admire nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

The Versatile Blogger Award Guidelines:

When you consider nominating a fellow blogger for the Versatile Blogger Award, consider the quality of the writing, the uniqueness of the subjects covered, the level of love displayed in the words on the virtual page. Or, of course, the quality of the photographs and the level of love displayed in the taking of them.  Honor those bloggers who bring something special to your life whether every day or only now and then.

Given these guidelines, I feel very honored to be recognized by a fellow blogger, and especially such a well-established blogger, for this award.

Joely, of FashionBeyond40, nominated me for this amazing award!  Thank you!  I really enjoy the variety of high quality content Joely posts regularly.  One of my favorite types is her "happiness is . . . " posts; they're always different, but I always learn something about her life.

Now, in acceptance of this marvelous award, I will share 7 things about myself, and nominate 15 other bloggers for this prestigious award!

So, 7 things about me!

1. I've never had a cavity, but I had a root canal at 20.

2. I've loved makeup since childhood; I would watch my mother getting ready in the morning at her makeup table and marvel at all the beautiful colors of eye shadow!

3. I'm 5'8, but I wear the same jeans/ pants inseam as my husband who is 6'2.

4. I am obsessed with turquoise.

5. I have an unhealthy addiction to purple eye shadow!

6. I never made sweet tea for myself and kept it around religiously until I moved out of the south.

7. I was 23 when I enjoyed my first peanut butter & jelly sandwich; it was peanut butter & strawberry.

Now, for the 15 blogs I nominate!

1. Bridgette Ramos, I nominate you for your fantastic attitude, beautiful style, and wonderful blog appearance!

2. Elle Sees, I nominate you for your grace and charm that fill every post; your approach to beauty blogging helps every technique, tool, and product feel accessible!

3. Best Beauty for My Buck, I nominate you because your product review sheet is amazing, and I know you'll always have a tip that my wallet will appreciate!

4. Intrice Blog, I nominate you for your overall sweet attitude, your support of my blog in its early stages, and for your wonderful approaches to writing product reviews!

5. A Fresh Start On A Budget, I nominate you for your wonderful tips about budgeting, staying motivated, time management, and link up parties!

6. Mish Mash Musings, I nominate you for being one of the coolest ladies in the subscription box review game!  I love your candor and silliness!

7. Our Twenties, I nominate you for your beautiful writing about life, fashion, beauty, and always showing off your smile!

8. Glamour And Giggles, I nominate you for your glamorous and fun approach to beauty and reviews!

9. Megan Joy, I nominate you for your effortless approach to all things beauty! I've learned so much from you!

10. This Teacher Wears Makeup, I nominate you for your unique approach to beauty and product reviews!

11. Brendy Beauty, I nominate you for your lovely reviews, feminine aura of your blog, and your sweet photos!

12. Manly Man Lee, I nominate you for your honest reflections, and humorous candor! 

13. Andie Conn, I nominate you for the amazing space you create for those of us who suffer with depression!

14. The Smoking Thurible, as one of the rare theological blogs I read, I nominate you for willingness to share your sermons beyond the pulpit in the blog-o-sphere!

15. The Inspired and Inspiring, I nominate you for your willingness to be open and vulnerable about your journey!

 I hope that all of you amazing bloggers are able to pass along the favor to other wonderful blogs!

I hope that all of my readers have found a new and exciting blog (or two!) to read and follow!

The Joys of Seeing my BFF of 28 Years!

Okay, lovely readers, I have to tell you about my Thursday.  I got to see my dear friend of 28 years in San Francisco!  We ate fantastic food, talked forever, and finally had a proper family meal that included our husbands!  (It was the first time these wonderful men finally met each other and spent time with the infamous pair of Suzanne & Kristi!)

My BFF of 28 years is also pregnant!  I got to see her beautiful baby bump, listen to her marvelous complaints and fears about being pregnant and impending motherhood.  We walked around the city, hung out in her hotel room with killer views, and generally appreciated having time together.

It was also incredibly special to me to be in San Francisco with her.  Growing up, every summer Kristi would sojourn to The Bay to see her daddy.  So, for about a month every summer, I would miss my best friend.  Getting to spend a day out here with her was truly spectacular!

See, Kristi and I met when I was 5 and she was 7.  My life has never been the same since.  She became my partner in crime, and the only one I knew who understand what it was having divorced parents in our small southern hometown.  Her mother was my 2nd mama, and taught me about playing outside barefoot, trying new food, and exploring the excitement of childhood.  I spent enough weekends at her grandmother's house in FL that the sunlight and the plants in her kitchen are an image forever burned into my dearest memories. 

St. Augustine, Mother-Daughter Beach Trip 1991

Kristi has been an amazing big sister, perfect best friend, and life long companion on the road of life.  My journey has been all the better for having her as a part of it.

     

Halloweens 1989 and 1992

Whether we were dancers & gypsies, Laurel & Hardy, or Michelle & Rachael (the girlfriends of Mikey & Ralph of the TMNT), we were inseparable when we were together.  Our imaginations ran wild, we shared our happiest moments, our deepest fears, and vented about life, in general.

New Years Celebration 2000 when the world didn't end

As we grew up, the two years between us turned our friendship into a slinky type yo-yo.  We went through so many of the same phases; some aligned and others did not.  But we have always had a deep connection: the kind that years only make stronger and more dear.

Kristi's Mom surprised Kristi by bringing me to her college graduation, 2003

I have always been impressed with this woman's ability to grow personally.  She has always maintained her own moral compass while allowing it to be informed by her life experiences.  She has walked through life seeking to love, nurture, and support those around her.  She has learned to care for herself, and love herself.  I am ridiculously lucky to call her friend.  And her daughter will be so blessed to get to call her mommy!

 Kristi and I at my wedding reception in 2008

There's something magical about being in a space with someone who knows you so intimately.  Kristi knows what it was to grow up in Valdosta, go to the schools I attended, march in the marching band I marched in, attend the church I grew up in, and be someone who never quite fit.  And I know the same for her.

 Kristi and I at her wedding in 2011 (I just now realized that our bridesmaids dresses were basically the same shade of blue . . . )

It is amazing to me how much I have changed and grown, and yet, how much I have stayed the same all these years.  Its as if the 5 year-old version of me and the 32 year-old version of me are exactly the same, and all those years in between were about wandering away and coming back to myself.  

The two of us, San Francisco CA 2015!

But one thing I know will always stay the same is my precious relationship with this truly impressive woman, and I am all the more happy about my future knowing this little fact.